My name is...................

I tend to believe that God is more satisfied with me when I perform in accordance with His will. It is a trap of works that ensnares and confounds me. The more I struggle within its imprisoning grasp the more I imagine Gods great displeasure and disappointment. I imagine my account of righteousness becoming more and more unbalanced toward the side of judgement because of my poor performance and less and less imputed to me by His grace. In other words I see myself as being in good standing with God, similarly to my good standing with my banker. Money in the bank and its all good times in paradise, insufficient funds and its, bring on the tears in debtors prison. Thankfully Gods economy operates differently. Though I can never pay my debt by performing well enough, He forgives the debt through the gift of His son and calls me righteous son.

Me righteous? That is an assured impossibility. Don’t you know my name?

Unfortunately that is the way I often see myself. I see myself as the unrenewed, untransformed, unreborn, undesirable, unholy, disreputable, bankrupt bastard of a judgmental God of wrath. It is a mirror of the way that I judge myself. That is the great evil inherent in this supposed reality. I exalt myself to the throne of God most high and then declare myself to be unworthy of forgiveness and inclusion. Of course I don’t do this consciously but that is the result of this pattern of thought. It is arrogant in the extreme.
It reminds me of a song whose lyrics go:
Hi! My name is.. (what?) My name is.. (who?)My name is.. [scratches] Slim ShadyHi! My name is.. (huh?) My name is.. (what?)My name is.. [scratches] Slim Shady
(for those who know the song, you know how bad it gets when you see yourself as a Slim Shady)

Since He has known me since before I was born then maybe I should let Him name me and define me.

So I love the Easter season because it reminds me. I don’t have to be perfect just in love with the one who is. I don’t have to have it all together just be in love with the one who does. I don’t have to earn His love, He gives it to me. He doesn’t love me in the way that I love myself.